Addict behaviors are Crazy Making! Stop competing with a Fantasy and get the help and Support you deserve!

Codependency in Relationships:
When You’re Addicted to the Addict

“What is Codependency in Relationships?”

“He or she just isn’t the same person I married.”

“My intuition tells me something is wrong – but they say I’m overreacting - that I worry too much.”

“Can I trust my own thinking?!”

Sound familiar? Codependency in relationships with sexual compulsivity is real and you still probably know more than you think.

Now that the fantasy you've invested so much in has burst - through discovery or disclosure - what comes next? How do I cope with the pain I feel? Who can I tell? Is it me? If it’s not me, then why would he or she want something else? I just don’t get it! It makes no sense at all!

You are absolutely correct – Sex Addiction makes no rational sense – so trying to make sense of the irrational is a losing battle. You just plain can’t make sense of crazy behavior – and make no mistake – the sex addict in his or her addiction is not playing with a full deck!

I don’t say this to heap shame on top of shame for the addict but only to say what the addict already knows - namely that his or her behavior makes no rational sense - in their right mind then they would stop – but the sex addict is not in his or her right mind and codependency in relationships is a reality.

Who knows your partner better than you? You probably know them better than they know themselves. So give yourself a break and trust your heart.

If he or she has drifted away over time, then NOW is the time to talk about it!

Here are some signs and symptoms:

1. The explanations just don’t hold water – Same story - Same denials! Codependency in relationships means wanting to believe the fantasy so badly that you continue to accept his or her denials as true - even when the excuses defy all logic. Codependency can mean being so invested in a person or relationship that you stop trusting your own thinking.

2. You find evidence that can’t be easily explained away. Strange receipts, late nights on the Internet “working”, strange phone calls, telling you that you’re being “nosy” and asking too many questions, or just constantly denying your reality – you are NOT crazy and your mind works just fine!

3. You live with a man or woman you no longer really know. “This isn’t the person I fell in love with.” Codependency in relationships with sex addiction lack intimacy and can feel like living with the walking dead. Harsh, but doesn't it often seem that way?

Get professional help for Codependency in Relationships

Here are FOUR things you can do now:

1. "Trust yourself!” You know more than you think you know and you deserve honesty and intimacy in your relationship

2. Get your own help - find a therapist who can guide you on a path to recovery. Codependency in relationships is more common than you might think and both people in the relationship are hurting and need help.

3. Buy the book “Mending a Shattered Heart” (Stephanie Carnes) or "Deceived" (Claudia Black). Both are excellent reads and you may just hear your own story. You will find that you are not alone. Books that address codependency in relationships by Pia Mellody are outstanding

4. Build your support community. Sometimes family is not as safe as you might like and, of course, once words are spoken, they can’t be unspoken.

Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous (COSA) is available in most major cities and provides a great support to those who share this common struggle. Give yourself this gift!

As you digest some hard realities know that sex addiction – despite the shame and pain – is nothing more than a dependency like any other (drugs, alcohol, gambling, or even codependency in relationships.)

Most addicts had their earliest mood altering experience with orgasm and sexual arousal – long before ever taking a first mood altering drug. That experience was powerful and the mind has an incredible capacity to remember what works and stick with it.

The young "addict-to-be" learned that sex WORKS to numb feelings, to get high, or to simply escape with fantasy.

Compulsive sexual behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere. The roots run deep with trauma and childhood abuse – partners can often understand the “why” part and can work toward finding acceptance for the addict while setting healthy boundaries around the behavior.

The important thing now is not trying to understand why your partner does what he or she does, but getting the behaviors to stop and taking the risk of being rigorously honest. Finding acceptance of the addict as a precious and lovable human being while also setting clear limits with the behavior is key to the process we prescribe for recovery and healing. Healing that includes both the addict as well as codependency in the relationship.

Make this the year that you love yourself (and your family) enough to risk all and start living the life you were born to live!

Are you ready to take the next steps? Call and ask the questions you need to ask. If it feels right to schedule an initial assessment, then you can decide to schedule. If not, then we'll help with referrals.