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Climb out of the "Black Hole" of Sexual Dependency. Email us today. The "Black Hole" of Sexual Dependency I first heard the term “Black Hole” to describe Sexual Dependency from Patrick Carnes, PhD and it makes too much sense not to use it again here. What Dr. Carnes refers to is the problem of how addicts seek to fill the emptiness inside with all things external. Sexual dependency - Like all addictions - serves 4 purposes: Addicts get High. Addicts “Numb” out. Addicts escape (by just “not being here now - feeling this way”). Or addicts avoid feelings by “acting in” and controlling their behavior – the “white knuckle” or “dry drunk.” How do they do this? "An addict can be in relationship to the object of their dependency..."...in the four ways mentioned through the use of sex, food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, relationship obsession, love fantasy, spending, rage, grandiose shame (depression), fixating on physical pain - with or without medical basis, risk taking of every sort, and of course work and money obsessions. Are they just plain crazy? Hedonistic maybe? Crazymaking of others Certainly… When the sex or pornography addict does these things, they regress back to skills and defenses learned early in life to survive their childhood experience – childhoods that may have been unsafe, lonely, and painful. Addictive behaviors may have helped them survive. The good news is that they DID survive. The bad news is that the addict never learned how to LIVE! It was more important to behave a certain way to please their caregivers. Yes, the addict often took care of their parents' needs in one way or another and learned to live as little adults in children’s bodies. Now they have behaved as children in adult’s bodies – this is a Problem… Sex Addicts become like the walking dead in their own homes. It’s as though the souls they once had have been snatched away by this overwhelming dependency. They abandon themselves just as they were abandoned, neglected or abused by others as children. Now these same survival behaviors harm and offend the people who Try so hard to love them. Those same people may still love the addict but likely despise the behaviors - they may remember the precious human being and actually grieve his or her loss to this insanity. Could the addict honor them more with the truth rather than trying to protect them with lies? Could the sexual dependent still be loved if all were on the table? Does this sound all too familiar? I implore you to get some help and discover that you are not alone and don’t need to do it alone – you’re plenty bright, but odds are good that your judgment is just a little impaired. Get the help! Take the risk of being known, and begin to learn how to live and not just survive! Please don’t wait. It really doesn’t just go away on its own! End the Sexual Dependency and Get the help you need.
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